More Life Lessons from the Eclipse

I feel so blessed by everything that has happened to me in the past month. I have the thirst to know myself in ways I wouldn’t allow myself to do in the past because my ego had convinced me that she was the real me.

I had another dream about my ego 2 nights ago. She was another version of me, dressed in all punk of course and very intimidating and intense. When I had decided to break free from her I was hiding with friends and trying to keep away for fear of what she might do to me. Like the reaction of an abusive partner who is realizing they’re losing control. She found me in my room, hiding under my covers from her. She jumped on top of me swearing and yelling at me but never actually physically hurting me. I remember thinking, she’s all smoke and mirrors, she can’t actually do a damn thing to me. Just let her blow off steam and she’ll get over it. 

Then I woke up.

I have identified with my ego so exclusively in the first half of my life. And while I understood that the ego wasn’t me, I didn’t fully have that aha moment to help me see myself externally and how I am allowing my ego to affect my relationships.

Suddenly, when I reflect on my life I realized that I am to blame for most tention in my parterships, and the sad thing was that I always placed the blame on the other person. 

My 19 year old self; “he won’t let me go dance with other guys! He’s holding me back!!”

What???? Was I for real??? 

My 30 year old self; “he’s constantly telling me what to do and yelling at me!” 

Well maybe if I didn’t have a history of letting him do most of the day to day tasks around the house, he wouldn’t feel so resentful about it! 

It’s like, if something didn’t feel good to me, I would whine like a child as if the external people around me were responsible for inflicting the misfortune upon me…but the fact is that you don’t dance with other guys because you’re loyal to your partner, and you pick up the slack around the house because you and your partner are a team. 

And so, I’m not saying that my ex wasn’t intense, or that my husband isn’t either. And I’m not saying that they couldn’t have handled their part of the situation better. And there is a lot about my husband that has come to light this month too that we want to work through…

But gone are the days where I make him feel badly because I’m tired, or because the baby was difficult, or because things still need to be done, or because I’m overwhelmed. 

This next phase in my life, I want to acquire tools to help me cope with that overwhelm and not let it get the better of me. To not Project that on my husband as if it’s his fault, and to know that there is always a better way to view my circumstance. 

I did an energy healing session a few months ago, and the emotion that he pulled from me was self-pity. And he was right… poor me! Why??

I know that all of the lack that I’ve felt will disappear as I lean into love rather than pain, and as I dismiss my ego’s sense of self righteousness; as if feeling anything but love is warranted.